He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
we have officially lost it.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
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i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
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She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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