dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
