i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
