i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
