Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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