im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
