It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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