Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
