I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
