we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize