the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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