in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
