It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
