i just made my gag reflex go away.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I would ride that face into the sunset
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
