What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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