i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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