I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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