Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
