I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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