My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
