Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
