fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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