dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Randomize
