sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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