I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
