U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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