Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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