Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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