Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
