i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
