i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
