They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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