so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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