She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
