Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
