he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The adults are the big ones right?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
