wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
