he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
