I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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