If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
