Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
