Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
