one might say we're banned from that church
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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