friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
