I didn't shave. On purpose
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
