I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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