We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
