i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
