We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
