I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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