Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
