If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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