Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
