Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
