Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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