I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
