It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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