Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I met the friendliest cop last night
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
