just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
