my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
